Spared

Voices from within

Demons of the past

Imps of doom and despair

All come to visit

Enveloping me in nights

Dark embrace

I am besieged by the horde

Invading reason

Attacking truth

The battle rages

My dark angel

Holds me close

Thoughts twisted

Dreams skewed

Relentless they pursue

Deeper into my abyss

Things change

Reversal of carnage

My sweet dark angel

Releases me

Sending me helpless into the battle

Only to be spared

 By your sleeping breath

Caressing my neck

The dagger remains

The dagger remains

Never to be removed

Painful torment

The blade twists

Malicious smiles

Slowly, teasingly

The dagger withdraws

Agony subsides

Breathes of life

Gasping, clawing

Longing eyes

Search for the light

A lost voice

Tries to speak

Jailers’ watch in

Sadistic revelry

A long forgotten name

Forming on the lips

And the dagger

Plunges even deeper

It remains

Never to be removed

Why do I feel like this?

Why do I feel like this?

Lost and alone

I have found the perfect love

Yet has it found me?

Everything was going well

You wanted to be with me

And I with you.

Then something happened

I wanted to be secure

You seemed carefree.

All hopes went away.

I tried my best

And I saw you cry.

Then I did right.

But now

It does not work

I do not feel your need.

Where once was sunshine,

Now resides rain.

I went from the light of love

To the Darkness of confusion.

We discover and feel,

We clear and light

Still I have fear.

I am farther away

I feel it.

Extend your arm

Light the Darkness

Bring me back

I want to be your love

I want to be…yours.

Believe

A touch

A touch will last forever

A memory

A memory lives through eternity

True love

True love goes on till tomorrow

But we

But we do not always believe

Maybe

Maybe one day

Somewhere in the future

We will open those doors

That we each have

Someday,

We will know each other

In an open and caring way

But for now let’s not allow

The obstacles

Block our way

Let’s care just as much

Now as when the

Doors are gone.

Fate

Ancient and aged

I watch from my prison

The world before me

Young and vibrant

I turn back to my cell

Dark, cold, dismal and empty

She use to visit once

Her depth of fear

Pulling me in

Till that fateful moment

That dire second

When all was lost

Imprisoned

Sentenced

Condemned

The inquisition

Has kept her there

Where only I see

Where only I know

Release me

You will go on

Life will engulf you

As much as it has forgotten me

Demon Lover

Demon Lover

I surrender to you.

Your touch sears my soul

But is no equal

To the Darkness that is there

I am all that is Dark

In the human soul

I have become solid

To invade this world

I have lost all that I am

Demon Lover you rob me

You have taken me to the depths

You have stirred the fires

Smoke rises

Acrid Biting Black and

Destructive.

Trying to control the Beast

Unleashed

A wicked smile forms on your face

I am lost.

The rain has ended

The rain has ended

Stillness fills the air

A mist as soft as her touch caresses the trees

It falls upon my cheek like a long lost kiss

The wind blows, running her fingers

Through my hair

The night folds in around me and holds me close.

Memories of what might have been

I feel her arms about me

A gust whispers her love for me

Take me in and hold me close my dark angel.

You have nothing to fear

The moon passes behind a cloud

And my angel pulls me in closer

Freeing herself and securing me

She surrounds me as we dance in the mist.

A kiss. I open my eyes.

She is gone

Haunted

Ever have something in your life that burned itself deep into your being. Something that you wanted to forget. Something that caused joy and pain. A moment you breathed in and had the breath sucked out of your lungs. You see it all through the day. It haunts your dreams. Watches your every move. Knows your thoughts. A terrible secret that everyone knows. Some phantom of thought. Simply watching a movie brings all the joy and pain back. I see it in the faces of all I meet. I hear it in the wind. I feel it when it rains. It burns me when the sun shines. It tears at me in my art. Making me starve for the ability to forget. The truth is all I want. I want it to be told. Someday I hope to be....

To Sharon

The other night
My feelings mixed
Do I lleave you alone
Do you want to be kissed
I'm so alone
What can I do
All I knowIs
I love you
Then as I
Held you near
I found a love
I could not fear
We kisses once
Then we kissed twice
Am I willing to make the sacrifice
Is it wrong
Or is it right
These feelings that I fight
In your eyesI see so much
I know you need
Your loving touch
We both hesitate
Not knowing what to do
Then I reach out and embrace you
As we sat there
In each others arms
I found a love
That nothing can harm
But this is wrong
And I pull away
You look at me
I can not say
You'll never know
How much I love you
I'll never find out
If you love me too
But on that night
Between us, a sin
It happened before
Love returns once again
I call it a sin
For that is what it is
You have a lover
Your heart is his
And yet not a sin
For my love is true
It already occurred
No matter what we do.




I wrote this years ago after holding her for a while. Years later she was murdered. I never actually said "I love you" to her, until years later while leaving a rose.

Welcome back.....

She walked slowly up to me. Surveying me. Stealthily approaching like a scared child or and animal unsure of my intentions. She looked me over as I spoke to the others. She kept her distance. She stared intently. Watching every move, listening to every word I said. She said nothing. Her gaze burned into me. The others noticed and started to drift away. One by one they all retreated. Each one making an excuse to move away from me. One by one till it was just she and I. She took a step closer and looked deep into my eyes. "Take off your glasses," she finally said flatly. I removed my glasses and she moved in closer to me, never breaking her stare. It felt as if she was looking through me. Her eyes burned into mine with an intensity I had never seen before from her. She slid closer to me, never blinking. Narrowing her eyes, searching deeply, almost hungrily. She crept ever closer till I could feel her breath on my face. Her stare softened and fluttered her eyelids. I began to sense a change in her demeanor. She closed her eyes and wrapped her arms about me. She pulled me in close and hugged me hard. "I am so glad you are back...I have missed you," she whispered in my ear ever so silently. "I know I was gone for the last few months but it wasn't that long," I quietly replied. She stepped back and looked deep into my eyes. "No," she retorted sharply,” you were gone a year ago." She continued softly," I was afraid of you. You changed. You became someone else. You were short tempered, irritable, and irrational. I was frightened by what you became...but now." She looked down. Keeping her head down she was silent for only a moment. “And now you are finally back. You are you. I see it...I feel it. I can see that you are really back and I am so glad." I stared at her in astonishment. No words coming to my lips. And as she spoke again a tear came to my eye. She quietly whispered for me to hear, “Welcome back."

I am back

Well I am back. I have been sick and have not realy posted since July 2007. There were a few post you may argue but these were reposts of things I had written before. A lot has happened to me,illness, personal loss, and a lot of pain and confusion. And I will share all of that as time goes on. I have taken control, defeated the problem ,gotten better and keep working on making myself even better. I have changed my way of living to insure that I will never get that sick again. I did major damage to my life and hope that I will be able to repair that. I have had time to think of a lot of things. I am going to share some of what I had happen to me and hopefully shed some light on what was going on in my mind. Some of it will be in story form and some in narrative... some I may fictionalize for entertainment reasons. I will however make sure that I let you all know which ones are real life or peeks into my mind or maybe let you figure it out on your own. The reason for this is it all had major impacts on what changed. I want to be able to go forward and survive. Exercising the demons is the only way I know how. So I will let them out and let them run on the treadmill and work out with the weights. If they are good I may even let them use the sauna.
So prepare yourself for more journeys into the mind of a madman.No that is incorect. Very incorrect for I am no longer a madman.
The truth is....
Welcome into the dark recesses of a dark mind. Welcome back to where reality ends.

To Her

Oh my dear demon sister
How I hunger
You who knows the Darkness
You who feels the hunger
You who robs my being
Cold Icy Frozen
Glances in the night
Black moments in your arms
My strength is yours
My cunning your tool
My devious nature
Your slave
Enwrap me within your wings
Take me back to Darkness
Chain me once again
Take me home.

Her

Wrapped in velvet mist
Once again she confronts me
Chilling caresses sting my face
Memories of once was
Dreams of as then
Arise and surround me
She draws me in close
Her breath on my neck
Laughing
Taunting
Pulling me over the precipice
Falling Grasping Clinging
The want for more
The fear of want
Realeasing I plunge into
The inky abyss
Enveloping me she guides
She protects She shields
All for nothing
As the evil creeps in
Try as she might
I dissappear into the night.

Is it true that people only read the short shit???

Well do they?
This is short.
It is shit.
Did you read it???

Moonlit kisses

She lay there in my arms, eyes closed. Her pale skin glowing in the moonlight. I loved sitting with her in the bathing rays of the moon. I looked to the window and watched as darkness crept toward the reflective orb. I knew our time was growing short. I looked to her again. I missed looking into those eyes. It had not been long but seemed like eons. I ran a finger over her cheek, the porcelain smoothness sending chills to my spine. Her lips still rosy from the lipstick she wore today. Her dark hair tumbling around my lap in loose teasing curls. Twisting a curl round my finger, I smile a little to sardonically. I catch my self and stroke her face again. I glance down her body, the trim white lace top failing to hide her charms. The curve of her breast accentuated by the shadows. Looking further, I notice her legs as the make their way from her skirt. I reach down and stroke her calf and slowly make my way up past her dimpled knee. Caressing her thigh, I check to make sure I have not disturbed her. Her eyes still closed. I knew they would be. The night grows darker and I lift her carefully… I lay her down gently on the pillow and make sure she is comfortable. I watch her, study every feature. I lean in very slowly and kiss her lips. No movement. I smile .. and slowly shut the coffin lid.

Whispers of fiends

I was alone. Alone and once again in pain. The wounds were all gaping and seeping. My shirt clung to my body. Drenched in my lifeforce it was little protection.
I was drifting, losing the fight to remain alert. I called out for help, for some assistance. None came. My friends were gone. Family miles from here. My lover missing. They had taken her from me. Forced her from my arms. Droplets of blood fell from my fingertips. Joining the ever growing puddle at my feet. I never saw them coming. They just seemed to appear next to me. They circled around me. Three of them. Walking around me, they actully seemed to glide in and out of my view. I asked who they were.
"friends" they whispered. I looked closely at them, searching for some recognition, something that would make me see somone I knew. Nothing. No discernable features. "we are here to help you" the sound drifted to my ears. They continued, " Do not worry, all will be fine. She is in good hands. You know she is. Someone will be there with her. They always show when they are needed. They are always there when she needs them. You know that. They will help her. They will make her happy. If you do not believe us, go and check. We know. We know since we have been there. We were like you. It happened to us. It created us."
I screamed my protest. I screamed that she was differant. I screamed that she would not forget me. I cried that she would be back for me. I sobbed that she would remember and find me.
"Are you sure?" they hissed.
"She has forgotten," they continued, "She is not there. She is being taken care of. You know that. She is busy. We will show you. We will take you there." They took me by the arms and lifted me up. We slithered throough the crowds unnoticed. We crept up the stairs and to her door. "Knock. We will show you." I gently knocked, waiting for her answer. "See," they hissed. I knocked again.
Silence from within.
I pounded, my fists leaving dark black red crescents in their wake. Sliding down the door I watched as each red crescent started to cry. So did I. They lifted me up. "Come with us. We will help you understand." They led me to the roof. They showed me my world. "See this is the world. The world you created. You made this all happen. You made it all happen to you. You caused it. You are the reason for all the pain. You drive her away. You make her fear. You make her hurt. So others will be there for her. She is young. She will be fine. There are the others."
I cried. I crumbled to the ground growing weaker. I told them that she loves me. I explained how differant it was. What we had is unique and beyond their scope of understanding. They were not there when we met. They did not know what we had between us. They did not look into her eyes as I did. They had not seen the future in those eyes. They could not understand the thrill of feeling her hand in mine.
They could not know.
"But we do know," they hissed, " We have been there. She is as beautiful as any, more beautiful. She is talented,smart and witty. She is the dream that you have always wanted. Where is she now? She is surrounded by the others. She is with one now. We know that and so do you."
I pleaded for them to take me to her.
I pleaded.
I begged.
Let me see her. I need to see her. I need to talk to her.
No sound from the three. No motion. Images floated through my vision. Ghosts of the past. No .. ghosts of my past. Taunting me. Closing in on me. Their words cutting me like the knives before. I bled more. I became aware of the puddle below my feet. I bellowed at them to take me to her . They lifted me once again and took me to her door yet again.
I pounded.
nothing...
i beat the door ... blood sliding down to the floor...
nothing.
I cried out for her.
Nothing......
I looked to the wall.
I moved to the blank wall. I started writing.I had to leave her a message. I wrote in my blood. She had to find me.
She had to get to me before it was to late.
I knew she would.
I knew she would. ....
I hoped she would. ....
Would she?
They laughed. I collapsed.
It was ending.
I knew it. I could feel it. The life was ebbing from me. IT was almost gone. I could hear her now. She was with another. She was in the others arms. I tried to cry but could not. I screamed as i felt everything I cared for being ripped from me...
I turned to the three and hissed. .............
I was with them. The three was now four. I hated them for what they did to me but knew I would soon do the same. We floated there above what was left of me.
She came up the stairs.
She came home and found my remains. She cried. She wanted me back she begged to the heavens. She saw the bloody note on the wall. The three had not read it... they tried to keep her from reading it. They were helpless. She stood and read. The three started to writhe in agony. She continued to read and they screamed in pain. She sobbed as she read the last line and smiled. The three were bleeding great torrents of life force.
I was there watching.
I was there winning.
I had become the greatest inflictor of pain.
I was tormenting my tormentors.
I would go on.
And they ,with each word, faded to nothing... she stood and read again..... "My Darling one. I have learned what torment is and have suffered for it. I can not go back and undo what has happened to me and now suffer the cuts I have caused. Some Have tried to make me doubt you. Some have whispered lies to me. Some have shown me how you could be untrue to me. And I, like a fool, listened to it all. I know now that this is all untrue. I hope that you will always remember that I trust you and love you. Remember that you are my dream. I will always be yours. Never listen to the whisper of fiends. I love you and will do so throughout all eternity."

Can you help me?

“How can I help you?” she asked.

“How can you help me? I am not sure; I think that I may be beyond help really. I am not sure. All I really need is for someone to just listen to me when I am in a bad mood or depressed…. mostly when I am stressed and pissed off usually. Is that so hard? Just listen…. I will rant for a while…I may even yell but it won’t be at you…. it is me yelling at the world… the unfair, cold, cruel, unjust world. I need to get it out of me or else I will sit there and internalize it and let it fester…. It will slowly and quietly eat at me, but if I have to I will…I do not want to burden you or anyone with my problems…after all they are my problems not yours…. You just want to help…but then there is my past … my fucked up past…and I live with the scars of all those psychological wars with others and myself… I just want someone different. …Someone that really does listen …does not judge and does not belittle me or my feelings… I know what I may say when I am in a bad mood sounds petty and stupid but at the time to me it is a big deal… a big life halting deal…. After I rant I will realize that it is just something that will pass, or something really stupid…. But for a while it will mean a lot to me…. I will want to fight the world … I will want to change space and time… I will want to be the outlaw that does good by destroying something…. how can you help me… just understand me…. Just try ….I am not hard to read sometimes… I just need to be read and listened to like a book on tape or cd… I want to be loved and understood a little….I am weird and I know it but I do like to be heard sometime…I am a small voice in the universe and most of the time feel smaller still…I am attacked and made to feel inferior… my talents questioned…I just need a little reassurance or challenge to make me see otherwise…make me see what I can do ….. what I have as my odd talent… create a dream or nightmare… make reality end for me… help me make my dreams come true for me and my love… make it all become something beyond belief… help me realize how happy I can be….just love me for who I am….. just little ol’ insignificant, insane, dreaming, me.”

She looked at me for a moment.

I continued, “oh and chili cheese fries and a coke to go.”

Fake boob thoughts

Why are men so fascinated with fake boobs? I mean come on they are FAKE! They feel fake. If that is what you want then fine....go and buy a love doll or a manequin.They usually look really fake or are so ridiculously large and out of proportion to the woman’s body. But because we cannot think for ourselves and only listen to what is force-fed to us by the ad agencies, the general public thinks that implants are great. Well guess what? THEY ARE NOT! I am a heterosexual male. I am a professional makeup artist and do a lot of body painting and body casting. I have worked with all types of women and seen a wide variety of breasts and you know what… I HATE BREAST IMPLANTS. I could go on here and rant on about how I feel about implants. I could talk about the one young lady who got implants and lost all feeling in her nipples. I could discuss how touching them was like feeling a softball, which to me is not a fun item to feel when compared to a natural breast. No, I want to just express how I think that people cannot think for themselves. We use to think the girl next door was gorgeous, now she has to have 38 D as a bra size before we even give her a side ways glance. Why is that? What’s wrong with smaller breasts? What happened to the thought that a natural non-medically enhanced body was a thing of beauty? Well sometime ago we started listening to what we were told to like. We stopped actually thinking for ourselves. We stopped liking things that we really liked and started to believe what we were told to like. We have become cattle that are led to whatever item the agencies want us to buy into. Think about it for a moment, what was the “look” a year ago, or for that matter six months ago. Awhile-back women had to be stick thin, then they had to be rock hard, and now they all have to have big boobs. Come on people start thinking for yourselves. What do you really want your girlfriend or wife to look like or feel like? Do you want someone that is beautiful now and will age and continue to be beautiful or do you want someone that will always need to go to the body shop to have the dents hammer out and be fiber glassed over the bad spots. I mean it… after someone starts with all these beauty enhancement treatments they have to continue to do it or the rest of their life. So it really is like taking your car into the shop to get overhauled. How many times can that be done before it really has no positive effect? Look at certain celebrities who have had a lot of work done. They really are scary and getting worse. Look at classic items of beauty; they continue to grow more beautiful. The same thing goes for humans. Why mess with your body by stuffing things that you do not need to be there into your body? Ladies stay the way you are. You do not have to add anything to yourselves. You are fine the way you are. Do not let mass media tell you how to look. Just let your natural beauty show. And guys stop buying into what is being told to you by the mass media. Think. Look at the women around you. Look at them all and figure out what you really like and want. Do not let the ad agencies make up your mind for you. Come on everyone think for yourself.

You can't play Russian Roulette w/ a semi-automatic

What a concept…. You really cannot play Russian roulette with a semi automatic ….I have seen people who have tried. Why is it that when one is in the depths of despair, a person will stop thinking logically? All thoughts that a person has that would make sense just disappear. They become babbling idiots. Face it we all do. In that time people lose reason and turn to fear. We all have fears and when things get tough they come to full life. The inner demons come out and they start talking. The demons start to help you out. They begin to fill your head with all types of perverse thoughts. That’s when the guns come in. That’s when the despair gets to the deepest that they can. A person begins to think of ending it all. I have gotten to that point. I have seen where my demons live and what they can do to me. I seem to always mess things up when it gets bad. People around me never seem to really understand. I have fears associated with so many things and some of them are very serious. I cannot explain all of them clearly as I would like to but I seem never to find the right words. I seem to scare people when they learn about my fears… I have a few strange ones. The biggest problem with all of the fears and worries is that they can push people away, or worse yet make you push people away. I have a serious problem with that. I do not want to. I really don’t. See the problem occurs because I never want to hurt the people closest to me. I try to protect them and then it just seems to get out of hand. I lose control. The demons take over and start to tell me it would be better for the person to stay away from me instead of trying to get them to understand. I hate hurting people. At the same time, I do not want to lose that person; I want to keep them close to me. I want them to be in my life for a very long time. I fear now that I may have done really wrong this time. I feel like I have picked up the semi automatic, and gotten ready to play. I feel like I have pushed to far. I feel like I have not explained well enough what my demons do to me. I have not been able to rightfully atone for what my demons already have done; not only to me but also to the one I care for. I doubt that anyone will really understand this but I wanted to try. I wanted to think and figure out where my life is going. I want to know where my relationship is going. I fear that I have taken things to far and now I will lose everything I have ever wanted. So with the proverbial gun in hand it seems time for me to pull the trigger. I have no choice. I have to hope that she will actually understand. I have to hope that she unloaded the gun.
I hope I get to stay with her. I hope we are okay. I hope it works out this time. I just hope.

Why reality ends here.

I never thought I would actually do this. I never thought that someone would ever want to read the rantings and ravings of my twisted little mind. Yet, someone talked me into it. I have always thought that what came out of my mind was a little strange at times, and other times it makes sense and takes a stand about this that or some other thing. I am a creative person who likes to think outside the box, and so believe in making the imagined real. The only way I have been able to do that is by accepting that reality ends here. I am going to let my mind go and see what pours out of it. What manner of entity oozes from this scared and scarred mind of mine. Not all things will be creative and light, I am sure some will seem dark and destructive. BUt remember that it is what I have imagined, what has appeared in my mind so without further adieu I welcome you into my mind.